Be Ye Glad

My thoughts run towards gratitude tonight. The song “Be Ye Glad” by the group Glad was a popular Christian song when I was in university.  I have re-discovered this song and tonight it has primed the pump in my heart for reflecting on a life that has been shaped and sustained over the years by faithful family, friends, and organizations that have led me to my path.  So tonight, in the spirt of this song, I am glad.    

I am glad for loving parents who created a home filled of laughter that taught me to always believe the best is yet ahead….

I am glad for Watauga Christian Center of Boone, NC that introduced me in my university days to the joy and blessing of worship and exuberant praise as part of my Christian journey….

I am glad for the Oral Roberts University Seminary in Tulsa, OK that first taught me Biblical criticism and how to read the Bible critically…

I am glad for the struggle of growing up gay in the midst of a faith system that was hostile towards the gift of my sexuality.

I am glad for the initial refuge I found in the Exodus ex-gay ministries.  While I wholeheartedly oppose reparative therapy, I am grateful for a group of people who took in a scared evangelical young man who was afraid he might be gay and let me cry for almost a full year to cleanse the wounds of carrying around the hurt of sexuality denied. These people were Christ to me.

I am glad for my husband of 21 years David Watson.  This man has modeled what unconditional love and acceptance looks like.  As a result, we wholeheartedly love and accept each other with no conditions and no demands for change. Our home is a haven and a rest for me.  

I am glad for the Epworth United Methodist Church of Oklahoma City and the Rev. Kathy McCallie.  This church took me in after the devastation of ex-gay ministry and loved me back to wholeness. They modeled a new way to be church in the world.

I am glad for our home city of Vancouver, British Columbia.  I never knew a spirituality of place until I moved here. 

I am glad for my family of choice here in Vancouver.  I would never want to be without the men in my life that make up my family here in Vancouver.  Warm, strong, loving, funny, caring, and beautiful in every way possible, I never want to be apart from these guys.

I am glad for my nephew Hudson who brings laughter and joy to my life.

I am glad for the spiritual practices of yoga, Centering Prayer meditation, the Examen, and Lectia Divina.  These gifts awaken in me a greater compassion towards my fellow sentient beings.

Most of all, I am glad for life itself.  The tears and the laughter.  The joys and the sorrows.  The dark night of the soul.  The joy that comes in the morning. It’s all part of the whole.  I cannot experience pleasure without the pain.

 Tonight I am profoundly aware that I a man transformed by the power of love.  The gate has been opened in my life and I am now free.  This song says it all:

“From the dungeon a rumor is stirring.
You have heard it again and again.
But this time the cell keys are turning,
and outside there are faces of friends.
Oh the love that your heart is now tasting
has opened the gate, Be Ye Glad.

So be like lights on the rim of the water,
giving hope in a storm sea of night.
Be a refuge amidst the slaughter,
for these fugitives in their flight.
For you are timeless and part of a puzzle.
You are winsome and young as a lad.
And there is no disease or no struggle,
that can pull you from God, Be Ye Glad.”

Buddhist Impermanence Meets A North American Fitness Freak

So I turned 50 years old last Thursday.  So far, so good.  My partner took me and the doggies away for a surprise getaway to the beautiful Black Rock Resort in Ucluelet, BC.  Nothing but rest, relaxation, meditation, and wine.  Just what the Guru ordered.  As I reflect on this very important milestone in my life, I find myself also reflecting on impermanence.  Impermanence is a Buddhist concept that expresses the notion that all of our habituated life – ie our experiences, our triumphs, our failures, our bodies, our perceptions, our physical life - is in a constant state of flux and brevity.  None of these things are forever.  None of these things are permanent.  None of these things stay the same. In fact, the Buddha says that holding onto our life at any given time (i.e. attachment) is a cause for why we suffer in this world.

So as I reflect on impermanence, I also reflect on another reality that I have engaged in for many years – physical fitness!  Yes – I work out.  Yes – I have been known to track my calories, carbs, fats, fibres, and protein on a daily basis.  Yes – I get a body composition analysis run every month.  Yes – I can be a bit obsessive about it.  The personal goals I set for myself are often around my impermanent body:  lower body fat percentage, more weekly yoga sessions, continued strength training.  And I have been known to be attached to my physical body.  (SIDE NOTE:  one thing I’ve learned in my 5 days of being 50 is an increased comfort level with just being totally vulnerable about who you are – warts and all.  You just don’t care as much anymore about what people think J). 

So how do I live into these seeming disparate realities of the impermanence of the body and my love for the physical fitness of this impermanent body?  I offer 3 thoughts:

1.       I ain’t 30 anymore.  I need to warm up before lifting.  I need to allow more time to recover in between workouts.  The impermanence of my body reminds me that the types of workouts I do now are not the exact same workouts that I did when I was 30.  To attempt to run my workouts just like I did when I was 30 is a sign that I have not come to terms with impermanence.  So the first lesson is to accept that my body is 50 chronological years old.      

2.       My body is not the full definition of who I am.  Since Advent of last year (2013), I have begun an almost daily morning ritual of candle lighting and centering prayer (http://www.contemplativeoutreach.org/category/category/centering-prayer for a general overview).  This spiritual practice has helped lead me into contemplation and into a rich, mystical Christian path.  I now more than ever recognize that my impermanent body is not the totality of who I am.  My essence is Spirit within me.  Called by various names such as “Christ in you” (Col 1: 27) in the Christian tradition as well as the “Inner Light of Awareness” in the yogic tradition,  my daily meditation practice has allowed me to open and receive in growing awareness this truth of who I really am.  As I mature in this understanding, I also mature in recognizing and keeping my impermanent body is in its appropriate place.    

3.       There is a difference between “acceptance” and “resignation”.  With impermanence, the acceptance of impermanence is just as important.  I have struggled with the concept of acceptance for many years and had equated it with such ideas as giving up or as a resignation to the situation you are in.  Acceptance felt to me very fatalistic – nothing you can do will change your pre-determined course in life.  You are subject to whatever happens and there’s nothing you can do about that.  Needless to say I resisted that notion.  But a funny thing happened:  when I finally accepted my conflicted feelings around acceptance, I began to live into the beautiful gift of acceptance.  Far from being fatalistic, acceptance is a choice to accept the current situation as it is – no fighting, no resisting, no struggling.  This doesn’t mean the situation can’t change.  It doesn’t mean that you do not take mindful steps to transform a situation.  It just means that at this present moment, I accept (or “acknowledge”….that works a bit better for me) the situation as is.  I accept/acknowledge that my body is 50 years old.  I also accept that my workout routines and physical fitness plans will link with this 50 year old body to make it healthy and vibrant.  No giving up on life.  No letting my body go downhill because I’m 50.  No resigning myself to the couch.  None of that.  I joyfully accept/acknowledge my physical age.  And from that peaceful place of non-striving and non-struggle with my body, I am able to flow forward in greater dimensions of health and physical fitness. 

 I turned 50 last week.  I’m learning that my true essence is within.  I affirm that the body is a beautiful gift.  I accept my age just as it is.  And I journey along receiving both impermanence and my body as wonderful gifts to embrace.     

An Unexpected Spring Conversation

Ahhhh spring.  The time of longer days, warmer temperatures, and flowering colours.  This time of the year always reminds me of the cycle of life.  Tired energy transformed to renewed vitality.  Hibernation and hiding giving way to a fresh outside exploration of the natural world.  And death, in all its many metaphorical and literal ways, give way to life.  I love spring.  I have recently begun to engage in an unexpected conversation.  A conversation that I would have never dreamed possible even a few years ago.  As many of you know, I was involved in Exodus International, an ex-gay organization that is in ministry for those with an unwanted same sex sexual orientation.  I attended back in the mid-1990s in Oklahoma City, and at that time, a change in sexual orientation was promised.  I eventually left that organization when I began to accept the grace that my same sex attractions are good and holy and God-given.  The task at hand for me was to discern how to live out my life - just like everyone else - in ways that are ethical, authentic, committed, and above all loving.  Recently, a group of us who were once a part of Exodus but have since left are now engaging in conversations with some of the current leadership at Exodus International.  The mission of Exodus has changed since I was involved, and the leaders are wanting to listen to our stories.  Listen to the hurts and frustrations that we experienced while at Exodus.  We in turn are listening to them as well, and engaging in good discourse.  These conversations have just started and are still at an early stage.  They are in the spring cycle.  And I am hopeful and encouraged by the listening and the sharing by all of us.

As you can imagine, there are several sticking points along the way in these conversations.  Theological and philosophical differences as well as differences in our understanding of the Bible have come up and will continue to come up as we listen.  And it's very tempting for me to want to change the minds and hearts of these Exodus leaders.  But the gifts I am receiving from Buddhism are teaching me to detach from outcomes.  This totally goes against my western cultural upbringing as well as against my free enterprise spirit.  In business, you do a certain number of sales calls and marketing activities to generate profits.  Actions = results.  Outcomes. So I've been challenged to live with a detachment to outcomes.  In these spring conversations with Exodus as we continue to speak our truth and listen to the truth of others, I am reminded to refrain from any expectation or manipulation of any kind, including expecting an outcome of policy change on the part of Exodus. I'm reminded to be less interested in having a particular outcome, and more interested in being faithful.  Faithful to my call as a Christian.  Faithful to tell my story.  Faithful to speak for the LGBTQ community.  Faithful to encourage all people to live into their full capacity as loving, Light-filled human beings.  This release of outcomes doesn't mean I mince words or stay away from difficult conversations or refuse to take stands.  A relinquishing of outcomes empowers me to be faithful.  And as I live in faithfulness and integrity, I walk in peace and security and experience a lightness of being on my journey.  The striving is over.  The pressure for an outcome is gone.  Love, compassion, and understanding begin to flow more freely through me.    

So who knows how this spring of new conversations will end.  Or continue.  Or become something totally unexpected and beautiful that none of us envisioned.  I just know that today, I'm enjoying the renewed connections I'm making.  And I'm enjoying the journey as it is right now.  Happy Spring to everyone.    

A Prayer I offered at church on the Sunday following the tragedy in Connecticut

This morning, we stand in a place of mixed emotions. We are met with conflicting thoughts. On the one hand, we are in the season of waiting….of anticipating….of the hope of new life……of the joyful expectancy of the birth of the Light of the World in our midst. At the same time, we are in a place of mourning and sadness…….of frustration and anger particularly over the tragedy in Connecticut on Friday…….we have questions……we are heartbroken……we express our grief and anger and sadness. So we acknowledge first and foremost this morning our confliction. We acknowledge our questions. We acknowledge that the joy of the season is tempered with our sadness and incomprehension of a world still filled with violence. So first and foremost, we pray for all those affected by the shooting in Newtown, CT. We pray for the parents and families……for those who survived…..for all the caregivers who are there to love and surround and cry with those in deep grief and loss. We pray for all of them and offer a moment of silence.

 We are reminded in the words of Scripture that You are near to the brokenhearted and You bind up their wounds. We are reminded on this 3rd Sunday of Advent – to live in joy. And while for some of us – probably for many of us in this time – that joyfulness seems removed. Impossible. We are also reminded in the Scriptures that You know us through and through – including our inability maybe to be joyful in this time. So we acknowledge that reality without guilt or worry. However, no matter where we are in life, no matter what emotions we feel, or where we are on our path this Sunday morning, we ALL are called to trust. To trust in your promises. To trust that our God has promised to never leave us nor forsake us. To cling to the promise that we are not left alone, but the Spirit of Life is here with us – not to give pat answers. Or maybe any answers for that matter. But to be with us as we journey along. In the good and bad. The joyful and the sad. So we lift our hearts and open our entire selves to that trust. We bank our lives on the truth that You will never leave us. We remember the promise that weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come some how, some way, eventually in the morning.

So we trust. We trust You in full assurance knowing that in the midst of it all and at the end of it all, our lives are in your hand.

Reflections Of An Ex-Ex Gay

For people who experience unwanted same sex attractions, ex-gay ministries profess to offer freedom and healing from those attractions. The people who attend these ministries are called "ex-gays". For people who attend those ministries and find freedom and healing albeit not from same sex attractions, but freedom and healing in accepting who they are are called "ex-ex gays" because they typically leave the ex-gay ministries. I am in the latter group. And tonight as an ex-ex-gay, I am pondering that very significant part of my journey and I am giving thanks.

After a marriage that fell apart due to my same sex attractions that I had kept a secret since 7th grade, the ex-gay ministry in Oklahoma City called First Stone Ministries was for me a God-send. An answer to prayer. An oasis. A chance to be healed and cleansed and "fixed". A chance to be normal. And most importantly, a chance to order my life so that I could fully honour God. First Stone Ministries is a referral ministry and part of Exodus International, the largest ex-gay organization in the world. So I went in the ex-gay ministry excited. Expectant. Open. Willing. Grateful to have this chance to finally get the monkey of same sex attraction off my back. So over a period of about 15 months, I threw myself into my "healing" as I called it. Once a week individual counseling. Plus once a week group counseling. And at one point, once a week therapy with a psychologist. Sharing my secret. Crying many tears as I released the hurt of carrying this burden silently for 17 years. Voicing the hope I desired for normalcy. Sharing my fears. Sharing my yearnings for freedom. There's that word again...freedom. I listened to other fellow strugglers. And I began to change. I began to experience healing in my life as I shared freely with other receptive hearts. Up to this point, I only shared what was acceptable. What was in line with accepted theology. But this sharing with the ex-gays was deep. Real. Earthy. Gutteral. Messy. And as my authentic self slowly began to emerge and be set free as I claimed the truth, change was all around me. The odd thing was that my same sex attractions were about the only thing that wasn't changing. Oh I was told that change was certain - just keep praying, keep talking, keep sharing, keep an open heart. So I continued to do these things. But after 15 months, the grace of God broke through as it finally dawned on me that this is who I am. And I'm not supposed to change my sexuality. The question for me was how do I honour God with my entire being, including my homosexuality? So I left and became an ex-ex-gay. Leaving that Exodus ex-gay ministry was the hardest decision I have ever made. For in that leaving, I felt I was leaving God. But God is so faithful and is with us even when we aren't aware of it. And over the next 4 years through prayer, Bible study, theological reflection, study, tears, laughter, and most importantly planting myself firmly in the midst of a new kind of Christian community, I was able to fully reconcile myself as both gay and Christian.

It's been over 16 years since my involvement with ex-gay ministries. So what are my reflections this evening on my whole ex-gay experience? One of gratitude. One of thankfulness. One of appreciation. While I wholeheartedly disagree with the philosophy of ex-gay ministries, I am forever grateful for those people who took in a scared young evangelical man who realized he might be gay, and held him as he cried. They provided a forum for me to speak my truth for the first time. They offered a safe space to unload years and years of secrets and shame and fear. When the church I was working in asked me to leave, these beautiful people at the ex-gay ministry asked me to stay with them. Sincere in their devotion, they modeled for me the loving, welcoming arms of Jesus. Even though I believe they are sincerely wrong in their mission to try to change sexual orientation, you'll never hear me bash them. When most of the evangelical church judged them for their work with gay people, they heard the call of Christ to love. And their faithful witness has forever shaped me.

So an an ex-ex gay, I am thankful. Thankful I escaped the terrible deception of change therapy. Thankful that I am changed and healed in many areas of my life. Thankful that I still have a vibrant, passionate faith - not the faith of my childhood to be sure, but a true faith that has gone through the fire and not only survived, but is thriving. And thankful that for 15 months of my life, I was privileged to know the men and women of First Stone Ministries in Oklahoma City who took me in and helped me become the man I am today.

Abundance

During this season of Lent, I have been co-leading a discussion group made up of younger adults from our church. After church, we meet for a shared meal, prayer, singing, and engage in questions and conversations around the sermon topic that morning. This morning's sermon was on "Jesus - the Bread of Life". In our discussions, we spent some time talking about abundance and what that looks like for us. Jesus was certainly about abundant living. From the marriage of Cana with unlimited amounts of wine to the miracle stories that helped people live into their abundance to the feeding of the 5000, Jesus lived abundantly. I have been carrying that conversation with me all day long today. Abundance. The abundant life. In a world of fear, distrust, and scarcity, what does living the abundant life look like for me? I believe abundance does not equate to greed, unhealthy excess, or selfishness. Most of the time, abundance is all around us; often hidden in the "normal" everyday routines of our life. In our coming and going. We often miss the abundance waiting to be discovered or we mistakenly view our life from a lens of scarcity, not realizing the abundance that we experience everyday. When we make the shift from living our life from a place of scarcity to a place of abundance , our entire world changes. Instead of holding tightly, we hold loosely. Instead of struggling and striving, we relax. Instead of grabbing on, we let go. Instead of clinched fists, we have open hands. The lens of abundance must be firmly rooted in the absolute certainty that no matter where we are in our life - no matter the struggle, the sorrow, the loss, the joy, the celebration, the pain, the questioning, the transitions, or the beauty - we are always cared for and there will always be enough for us and others. We are always cared for and there is always enough.

In considering the abundance I have in my life as part of my Lenten practice, I want to list some of them as an expression of gratitude and as encouragement for all of us to see our abundance and then to consider how we might share and help others live in abundance as well.

1. For my partner David, who models for me a life rich in service and love for others. He allows me to be who I am and makes me a better person.
2. For our 2 dogs Jim and Bob who have brought such an abundance of joy to our lives.
3. For our home. At just 550-ish sq ft, my home is a haven from the outside world and a touch of heaven on earth. Filled with laughter, music, joy, openness, and comfort, I wouldn't trade it for anything! I have an abundance in home.
4. For my spiritual community.
5. For sexuality.
6. For the riches of friends. I surround myself with an abundance of friends who support, love, challenge, comfort, laugh and cry with me. Who celebrate with me in good times, and who carry me and cry with me in tough times. Who are there at every stage of the journey. And who always call me and cheer me on to live my highest and best life.
7. For the absolute awesome gift of music that is around me in abundance.
8. For wise business partners who allow me to fail in order to succeed.
9. For an abundance of embodied spiritual practices, including singing, chanting, meditation, and yoga.
10. For a strong physical body that allows me to move through my life with ease.
11. For breath - that pranayama that connects us with every living thing.
12. For the beauty of the physical body.
13. For the abundance of occasions when the bank account is very low, reminding me that life does not only consist in my possessions.
14. For a city abundant in mountains, ocean, and forests.
15. For handfuls of abundant cherry blossoms.
16. For the abundance of times I've had the feeling of glee when that first ray of sunlight peaks from behind the clouds after days and weeks of rain.
17. For generous amounts of deep-down-in-my-soul unshakeable certainty that my best days are ahead of me.

The poem "Abundance" by Laura Barrette Shannon sums it up nicely:

You can not own
a shimmering sunset,
or crystal stars of night.
You can not own
a brilliant blowing breeze,
or the spark of sweet sunlight.

You can not keep
a fragrant floral scent,
or an infant's sleepy sigh.
You can not keep
love's first embrace,
or life's ecstatic highs.

You can not possess
that time which went by
before you were even born.
You can not possess
those memories made
long after you are gone.

So experience enjoyment
in each moment,
immerse in sight, sense, and sound.
Appreciate this world
for all that it is,
that's where abundance is found.

The Blessing Of Advent

I think that in the church year, my favourite season is the season of Advent. Growing up in a more evangelical background, Advent was not emphasized much. We talked about Advent, but didn't really take the time to savour the gifts this season brings. I first discovered Advent at Epworth United Methodist Church in Oklahoma City. This wonderful community of faith introduced me to the Advent journey.

Advent is a time of waiting. Of anticipating. Of expectancy. Of opening wide one's heart to the Holy. Advent isn't simply a precursor to the main Christmas event - it is a grace in it's own right. Yet at the same time, Advent IS a prelude to the Christmas miracle. I love Advent because it reminds me to prepare God room. It challenges me during its' 4 brief weeks to look for God in the unexpected places. Many times I look for Spirit in the typical types of situations - church events, times with friends, the singing of the carols, Christmas parties and cheer! But the call of Advent is to anticipate and welcome God in the unexpected - in the places where we think God isn't. What about God in the Christmas rush, stress, and kafuffle? In the broken relationships of our lives? In the misunderstandings and tears? In the grave diagnosis from the doctor? In the conversations with the sex trade worker? The wealthy businesperson whose primary concern this Christmas is increased sales, not the birth of a babe? Is God present there?

Who would have expected the Light of the world to be born in a barn? Would our churches proclaim that God is not only present in, but is well pleased with a teenaged girl - not married and pregnant - who approached our steps? Is God in this unexpected place? If she were at least married, then maybe - but this?

Advent is the time when I remember to look for God all around me. To be open to the touch of Holiness in expected AND unexpected places. To give voice and attention to those unrealized dreams and visions for which I yearn. To use the oil of grace to heal and soften the rusted gates of my heart and prepare Him room, even in those situations in which I perceive God to be absent.

Let every heart prepare God room this season. Happy Advent everyone!